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1) My residence deposit
2) My 200 from Vince
3) My support checks from Eric
4) My essays in the mail
5) My key in the mail
I need to give Pilot 20 dollars. As soon as I have it, I'll give him the money.
I want other things too...
1) The tea infuser from Stokes
2) The book "Tweak" by Nic someone
3) A few Fruits Basket volumes
4) The book "Ces enfants d'ailleurs".
5) A few CDs. Namely Across The Universe and August Rush.
6) There's a beautiful ATU book at Music Stop I MUST have.
...I need money for prom too. To get my hair and make up done properly.
And.. most importantly.. I need money to go to Vancouver. lots of it.
Stupid money issues.
*********
I hate Bonnie. She turns the pale blue walls of the house dull blue. And the hardwood floors suddenly have chips and the gloss has worn off in spots. She's old and tired and unhappy. And no dieting, reading, or complaining is going to change that. And that's all she does...
You set yourself up for it. You wanna lose weight. Ok. But that means you have to follow a rigid schedule for meals. Ok. So that means you constantly complain about eating "so much chicken". Fuck, have some integrity.
Here's an answer.
STOP EATING CHICKEN.
Fuck, this diet isn't supposed to *think* for you! You're unhappy with how you look, you're unhappy with what you have to eat, and what you eat doesn't affect the way you look so maybe it's time to just REEVALUATE how you appraise the situation.
You can't buy happiness.
You can't buy happiness!
You can't BUY happiness!
YOU. CANNOT. BUUUUUY. HAPPY!
When you swipe your card at SuperStore, and you've got 200 dollars staring you in the face in the form of little pixelized digits, and you have to press the OK button, there is a REASON you're not okay with it.
There is a REASON you don't feel good about "doing the right thing" and "eating healthy".
That soft sigh is there to tell you that something is wrong. And no amount of chicken, rice, watermelon is going to change that. You can fill yourself up on good food, but it doesn't help you come to terms with your true image, and THAT is your real problem. You can read books that help you escape into a different world, you can flip through flyers and buy all the ass-wipers, cookie-cutters, lawn-choppers, kid-raisers you want... making your life easy doesn't make your life enjoyable. You're buying into this religion that makes me want to tear my hair out.
You're hoping for a better day. In a month, I'll lose 3 pounds (maybe). No? Well NEXT month, surely, I'll lose 3 pounds. Oh, and when we get the kitchen redone... the bathroom redone.. God, won't I be happy. I'm working a job I don't like, working TWO jobs, but it'll all be worth it in the end.
...In the end of what? Where is the end? Doesn't this sound like church and religion to you? Pray for mercy from God, so in the after life you'll have redemption.
...In the after life? I spent all this life, just to get to the one after it?
It's all, all, all wrong. It's about NOW. It's about right now, when you're sitting in your chair, working your day job, watching the big hand, waiting til it hits 12 noon. Those are the moments of your LIFE. Can't wait til break. Can't wait til lunch. Can't wait til home.
Do you realize the majority of your life is spent at work? You have. To wake up.
Stop looking forward to being somewhere later. We're always looking forward to the weekend. What about where you are now!
I'm going to University, and I'm not just showing up to each class so that "in 4 years I'll have a degree."
I am going. Because I want to go. I am living. Now. And you need to do it too.
It's a real, and a rude, awakening when you finally realize the error is in your line of thinking, not your life.
Please, would you just consider it?
Would you entertain the fact that sacrifice is a normal part of life, but it doesn't stop you from being happy. You are the only one who stops yourself from being happy. The most dirt-poor little kids are sometimes the happiest, and we, in our butt-fuck corporation world, wonder how the hell they know how to smile. And why we're so glum.
I am sick of your self-centered, bitter, superficial existence. People like you are the reason I want to run away from everything.
(8) Let's go on a living spree- They say the best things in life are free.... (8)...
The best things? The very best of all things in life, are free. I wish you understood what I do.
-Dee
- Location:Room
- Mood:
lonely - Music:None
An apple. A banana. A Nature Valley bar. A pop. Plate of veggie, 1/2 steak, 1/2 potato.
Day 2:
Apple. Chewie. SUBWAY (includes 6" Chicken Bacon Ranch, 2 cookie). Slice of w/w bread. Lolly.
Something weird came over me today. I was sitting in Subway.. and I started eating the sub... And it was like I was high. Or something. Suddenly every bite was huge and gluttoneous, the look of the bitten-into sub with veggie and meatsie and cheesie made it look like the sub was just squirting out of itself.... Like when they do a close up on a fat person eating a burger... in slo mo...
I didn't feel fat, I just mean the food seemed unbearably huge.
And then I ate a cookie and was like OMG I'm done. that took a while. And then I went to throw all my wrappers together and throw them out... and I realized oh shit.. I still have another cookie in there! Not normally something I could forget.
I'm finally coming to terms with my long, disgusting romance with food.
-Dee
Alright. So I had the craziest dream... I have no idea what was going on.. it was... a very real, Alice-In-Wonderland type of dream... You'll see...
So I was in my residence... But the residences were all really high up from the ground... like treehouses.. but they looked the same on the inside. I guess Mack was... Where McLaggan is now. Things are always a little bit switched around in dreams.
And I knew I had lots and lots to pack, and Meggie didn't- she was all ready, just waiting to be picked up. That was a lot like real life. And I guess she left that night.... and I must have to.. because I remember waking up the next morning (in the dream) and feeling this great sense of urency to pack what I hadn't packed! I only had a few hours and then I had to be down at... I guess.. the bus!
But then again, I probably didn't go anywhere... I just felt like I was somewhere else... I know where I was that night. I was in my room, alone, with Petor.
And... I wish I could remember, I don't want to invent, but I know we talked... I know things were okay.. I think, I really think we snuggled (okay, fine, I hope.) I know I said this to him:
I don't want you to remember me from your last impression... I'd rather leave you with a kiss.
And I kissed him. It was naive though.. I mean.. he was naive. It's like you scooped out the deepest, darkest part of his soul and all that was left was the happiness and charm. But it was enough to fool me in my dream.
And I needed help packing that morning. I was so behind! Pack, pack, pack! For some reason I got down and was at a different part of campus... I think I was riding a bike to get back... and when I got to residence again to get all my things, there was trouble. There was this kind of mounted wood or bamboo bridgy thing to get inside, and someone, some girl? who didn't want me in. But we're talking like, serious, you'll die if you try to get across. I'm not sure how it all started, but I know I got to the top of the support beam things, and I could start walking across, and someone was with me, helping me. A guy. Someone I know, i think. At this point I think it might have been John.
..Just had a flash. Hold on. I remember struggling, I think I jumped as far as I could, and only caught the edge of the doorframe to the residence in my hands... Whatever it was... I finally made it. I walked to my room, and some guy was there. He was an opponent too (lol I know it sounds nerdy). But this was like... some Nero shit or something... real life combat. Without the pretend of Nero. And all of a sudden he pulled a knife, I had one too, but he was just teasing me the way he hit our blades together. And I kept pleading with him that this didn't have to go so far...We could drop the knives... And I think he almost did, when I noticed his fingertips looked like sharpened white pencils... and I realized the lead tips were actually claws... Conclusion, he was dark, evil, an opponent, whatever. And I told him:
"You don't have to be like this... They gave you B- (I think I was refering to a drug).."
"B-?"
"Yes... we could give you B+.. *continues to reassure*"
And he caved. And disappeared, for all I know. I know that John came in then. And he had this STUPID, 3-year-old-girl, big brightly coloured snap on barette thing in his hair.. and I was like... JOHN! Wtf! And took it out of his hair. hahahaha
And then Laurence was standing in the room.
She came up close, hugged me, and said...
"I'm sorry, I love you, but I'm just not ready... I'm ____..."
She used a strange word.. with an S... maybe Sh.. something like shuttling... shutting? I'm not sure. She meant that she was closing herself up and away from me. Like a defense.
That's all I remember.
PLEASE ANALYSE AND LEAVE COMMENT.
Personal analysis:
The clip in John's hair is because I think his hair is too long, or represents how I think he's silly.
The houses are high up like the Who's, I watched Horton Hears a Who.
I think crossing the bridge, John defends me against other people, but struggling to pull myself up and him not there means I have to be strong on my own. (It's not enough to just defend, we have to be strong, no one can provide us with that.)
**The rest seems simple enough.
- Location:My room
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:Weather network jingle.
So Bonnie needs to get out of my life. And more importantly, my dad's life. She's superficial (and so am I, according to 2 people on facebook, BRAVE enough to fill my honesty box with their self-aware judgement), she's plain rude.. like.. maliciously rude, she's self-absorbed, controling, and just not nice. Not nice to talk to, doesn't smile, always complains, etc.
Now let's add in some examples to give my claims some legit:
Controlling. She tries to control everything. She moves into my dad's house and assumes role of woman-of-the-house, which is unnecessary and overbearing. She sets new rules, makes decisions to buy new appliances and shit like that, and good or not, those decisions just aren't hers to make.
I invited the dog up on the couch tonight. And dad told me not to.
He pointed to a machine I'd never seen before, and started talking about how the dog ALWAYS gets the couch dirty, and we just cleaned that couch a week ago, blah blah blah haven't you seen how dirty his paws are??
Fuck you Bonnie. Get the fuck out of my dad's head. The dog was ALWAYS allowed on the couch before you showed up. YOU bought that son-of-a-bitch time portal, and if you decided to drag it over our 10 year old couch to make it 10 shades of white BRIGHTER, that's your own business. Nothing's ever going to be perfect. And getting the dog off the couch isn't going to utopianize things. You idiot.
Stop complaining. Stop trying to take over. Stop making new rules.
She's ridiculous. Always investing in things, buying new stuff for the house... like that stupid little robot thing that sweeps for you. Dad turned that thing on in my room this morning and it took OVER AN HOUR before the loud piece of crap stopped. What if I WANT to sweep my room instead? I would have, too. Jesus.
And what about last night, when Oprah was on. OMG surprise, she likes Oprah. Anyway, I came right upstairs and said Oprah's a bitch!
...Well if that didn't grind her gears. I said something about how it's all a crock, how it doesn't matter how much money she so CHARITABLY gives away. She's still maintaining a lifestyle with Made in China stickers all over it. How good of a person can you really be? Did you study this in school, Bonnie? Did Oprah come up in your class too? SHUT IT.
And this is the killer line she pulled on me: "Don't blah blah blah... just because you're jealous." (of all her stuff.)
OH IRONY. Youuuuuuuu are the fat bitch who's on a serious, hard-core, plan-every-meal-of-the-day diet because you're unhappy with the way you look. And you're so pissed about your diet that your OH-MY-GOD-POOR-ME soul-eating attitude spills onto the people around you. Youuuuu are the one that wants all this stuff, buys all this junk and tries to secure your belief that your life will get better exponentially with the more ass-wipers and fly-unzippers you buy. JESUS FUCK. Get a grip! This is your LIFE. Okay! This is how it is. It doesn't get better with the more stuff you buy.
And oh, then you have to complain about all the work you do. Poor you! Gotta raise a kid and you've got two jobs! Oh well... better cut back on raising the kid!
You're a joke! Over 40 years old and haven't matured past my age! Get real!
Ok.. gotta go... Cass is here. Can't bitch. lol
Continue later.
-Dee
...And the sun will set for youuuu....
Pink cards and flowers on your window, your friends all plead for you to stay...
. ...sometimes beginnings aren't so simple- sometimes goodbye's the only way. Oh,
But the sun will set for you! The sun, will set for youu.. <3
The shadow of the day, will embrace the world in gray..
But the sun, the sun will set, for you.
....I love thee - I love thee!
Is ever on my tongue;
In all my proudest poesy
That chorus still is sung;
It is the verdict of my eyes,
Amidst the gay and young:
I love thee - I love thee!
A thousand maids among.
....What the fuck is there to say. Really.
1) If one fuck up leaves a friendship hanging on a thread, how strong's the friendship anyway. Or do I just say that because I'm madly in hate with myself. Yes, the latter. Scrap it. NEXT.
2) The room's dark, and there's no one nearby... It could be 4 in the afternoon, but nobody really cares. And the thing is... now I wish when he put his hands around my throat, he'd actually fucking kill me. I want to suffocate. I want to smile, then struggle, then scratch in alarm until I can't anymore. Until I calm down. Until it's all okay.. I'm so tired, and it's all alright.. Time to sleep.
3) I did it all for you. Everything. Trying to please too many people at once, it's the only reason I fuck up.
Darling, Sweety, look at you with the soft blue eyes, bright as the sunrise, softer than summer skies...
And don't you think I would have given everything in the world to make you happy. Didn't I try? Didn't I sit there. Didn't I be faithful? Didn't I cherish you? Didn't I support the title of girlfriend?
Well i tried and I tried and I tried. Eventually you can't lie to yourself. I can hear Laurence. "Don't lie. Be honest, be honest." Well then I'm NOT being honest, damn it! I'm not ready! I can't love you! I tried! I tried!
And oh my God.. whatever the fuck is LEFT of Ian.. I don't even know. I thought he was strong and silent. Apparently he's just soft-hearted and quiet. I don't approve! You should have told him! It never even crossed my mind to tell him! It just happened! I know! I'm scum! I know!
I shouldn't have mentioned his name. Even if I did, fuck, I wish Ian would have enough.. composure, enough.. of HIMSELF and his own dignity to appreciate the fact that I had no right to say SHIT. And my God, what the hell was I supposed to do.. Him threatening to run to Lau. I can hear it now. I can hear her phone ringing, fuck I hate that ring tone.. And I hear her pick up. She answers in french, did you know that? I wonder if she cries in french too...
"....WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. Who told you about Stew???"
But that would be all he knows. The name. Chasing the prettiest girl he's ever know down the block with a name. There goes Ian! "STEW! STEW! STEW! DANIELLE SAID THERE'S STEW BREWING! It's full of secrets and lies and unhappy things! It's got weeds and it festers and boils friendship!"
Do you think she needs that. She's been dieing and bleeding and screaming for space, especially from you. How can I protect her now? I gave him a weapon.
...So I shot myself. Only bullet in the whole fucking thing and I shot it. I caught her shoulder too. I caught her above the heart. Just enough to make her bleed forever, always remember.
Well I guess I had 2 choices. I could divert, lie, make up something about Stew. Ease his curiosity. And God doesn't he deserve some truth.. she's not the only one who feels, you know. He's torn over her.
Laurence . o 0 (Be honest. <3)
But Baby, I can't. I can't do it. And then my own conscience kicks in. Be honest. Ok. I will.
Choice 2: Be honest, deal with your slip up. Besides, he deserves to know. Even if she doesn't tell him. Not the right way to do it, but he has to find out eventually. It's only right. And that leaves Lau in a rage. Seeing red.
I can't please you both! I can't bring justice to you both!
..And then Lau, out of NOWHERE, happens to tell me I'm the only one who knows about Stew, and it'll stay that way <3.
...But I told him last night. Don't tell her that! Lie! Don't awknowledge it! Ian said he'd keep his mouth shut! Run away! Be cowardice! Flee!
Lau . o 0 (Just be honest! <3)
..But Baby, I can't. I can't. You're all I've got. Yoú're all I've fucking got.
...No Lau. Ian knows. I told Ian, I'm sorry....
And you really are all I've got. I haven't got John. Did you know?
And how am I to justify any of that. I can't. I don't know what it even means. It just means I've declared my instability and incapability to contribute to and function in a relationship.
...That's great, right.
For all my honesty, I don't feel proud. Not even a little. I don't feel I did the right thing. I don't feel I rose above my own self-interest. I don't believe I cared about people. I don't believe I kept a good moral.
I believe it's the one idea, honesty, that's ever served me so poorly in my entire life.
Because people are my life. Friends are my life.
Don't message me. I'm fine.
-Dee
- Location:Dorm room
- Mood:
nauseated - Music:None
You know, I do have a journal. Like.. a real journal. No, it's not alive. But thats ok.
But.. writing by hand takes much longer.. I find I never say everything I wanted to say.... not enough room. Not even in my head sometimes, ...
I should go get my laundry to prevent the lovely musk of CRAP scent. Stupid laundry.
Well. Apparently I'm bad at budgetting. Bills go completely missing, hundreds of dollars get eaten up, and I don't even go wild with my money. The most I spend in one night, drinking, is 40 dollars so far. And I only did that once. But little things build up.. and other things, you forget.. I wish I had the money back. I'd trade in the sour nights of overdrinking. I'd trade in my feelings, too, if they worked that way. Maybe I'd put my bitterness on the shelf and buy some integrity. Buy some amitié.
I feel awkwardly in the middle of a lot of things... like... the pretty school girl who gets good grades. I sort of am.. but.. not really. I'm pretty, but you'd like me a lot more with make up. And nice clothes. Oh, I'd make a nice prep. I have no doubt. And if I did my homework all the time, I'd be all set.
But... No.. that's not me.
And what about who I want to be for my friends?
I want to be what you need. I can be, but...
What about when I go insane with my own problems, and I leave you stranded? What about when I'm running away? I can't always take you with me...
And what about the model girlfriend I want to be?
I sort of am... I'm a nice girl, nice enough I guess. I could watch what I say more. I could be less absorbed in my own world. I could be faithful.
But I'm not always. I try though. I care.
Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. And for the first time, I actually managed to stay single for a while, and not be dependant on someone in my life. I still don't think I'm ready, still think sometimes I could call everything off without consequence. But... it's not so simple, you know?
And what would that prove. Nothing. So I'd have that liberty. That privacy.
It doesn't make sense to go out of my way to be faithful to one person.. and deny them a title.
It doesn't make sense to continually see them, kiss them, share company and mind. And be nothing to each other.
And that's what it would be, if I tried to go back. It doesn't go in reverse. Life goes forward. I just...
Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. I'm not anything anyone really wants or needs. Not deep down. It's more like I have highlights or aspects or parts of me that people request... and they all fall into a hat... and POOF! I'm here. I'm a little of what you need, I'm a little of what I should be, I'm a little of who I am.
What does it mean to be your own person... really. I'm 19. Can you believe it. I remember being 13. I still want to be 13. Because at that age I was so young, but smart. And now.. I'm just 19 and not smart-for-my-age anymore. Now things are expected of me. And instead of praise now, it's more like "Well duh she's 19 we can start expecting these things from her."
I don't want to grow up. It's ridiculous.
I don't want a license, I don't want a car. I don't want responsibilities. I don't know.
I want:
A chinchilla
More bangs
Less FAT :s
Healthy eating? ^^ Loooves food. I usedta do it. I should pick it up again... *keeps this in mind for tomorrow*
I goes gym. <3
British Columbia
Barcelona
Roller coasters
Blue eyes
Secrets
Piano
Pilates routines or Yoga or something
Meditations <3
Jimmy
BONNIE OUT OF MY LIFE
...thassa bout it really. The rest, I can deal with. Mmhmm mmhmm.
-Dee
- Location:Res room
- Mood:
calm - Music:Dan Gibson- Reflections
